I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
