ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
