i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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