i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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