Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
My underwear smells like fireworks.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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