totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Randomize
