he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
