The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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