I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
