Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
