i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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