And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
