Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
