if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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