My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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