I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
