if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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