WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
