I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I am one with the molecules
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
