I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
