I'm jealous of your bromance
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
