Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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