This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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