Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
