he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
