You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
