he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
