I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
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idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
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if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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