The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
