R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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