On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
