She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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