Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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