what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
God I need to hump something, right now.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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