this beer tastes like vomit already
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
