She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
