I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
