i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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