i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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