just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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