I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
