I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
