i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
