i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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