I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
