Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
