It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
