Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
