Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
