Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
