I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
