I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
