If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
