i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
