did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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