paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
