And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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