I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
