The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
